I have been working in a managerial role for six years, beginning roughly in 2016. My leadership journey began when I was presented with an opportunity to relocate from The Woodlands, Texas to Denver, Colorado, a place my family and I had grown to love during our previous two-year stay. Although I found my previous role fulfilling, I believed that the move to a new location, coupled with a promotion to a managerial position, was the right choice. However, in hindsight, I realize that I may have been mistaken in thinking that management was the next logical step for me.

The first few years were fantastic. As a technical manager, I led a group focused on technical work, and looking back, I realize I was spoiled. I remained involved in the work, getting my hands dirty and working alongside subject matter experts and other smart people, rather than simply dealing with HR matters. Mentoring and coaching were also fulfilling, which was the icing on the cake. However, things started to change.

Battling with my Own Ego

In my managerial position, I regularly interacted with various teams to gain buy-in for the high-impact projects my team was implementing. As a result, I developed strong relationships with many individuals, including peers and upper-level managers.

One of these managers was impressed with our work and requested my services to lead a new initiative within the organization. While I was excited about the opportunity, it also meant letting go of my current role and team and “going back” to perform as an individual contributor.

As you can imagine, the change of roles brought up mixed emotions and created conflicts with my own professional aspirations.

Pursuing Others Expectations

In less than a year, my career took another turn as I was recruited to lead a new team – this time, a larger team of highly skilled technical professionals tasked with deploying data analytics projects for the company. It was an exciting opportunity and I felt both grateful and humbled to be given the chance to lead once again.

However, as I settled into the role, I quickly realized that the bulk of my responsibilities would involve attending meetings, conducting one-on-one sessions, and managing performance reviews, which left me with less time to actually focus on strategy or even do any actual work. While I was excited about the potential of the role, I also recognized the shift in focus would be significant.

For a while, I was able to manage the responsibilities of my role, and my passion for coaching and seeing people grow kept me afloat. However, in hindsight, I realize that I was simply grinding away. The politics, endless meetings, and performance reviews were the worst and took a toll on my physical and mental health. While I understand that all performance review processes have their imperfections and may not necessarily be fair, I found myself struggling.

Time For Self-Reflection

While the purpose of performance reviews may be two-fold in theory – to provide an accurate and actionable evaluation of an employee’s performance and to aid in their development of skills related to job tasks – the reality is often quite different. These reviews are often reduced to matching a predetermined narrative with an internal ranking system to support decisions around compensation.

Although not all of my performance review conversations were unpleasant, some individuals would challenge the narrative and leave our discussions feeling completely dissatisfied. As a middle-level manager, I often felt like nothing more than a messenger delivering news. This was a draining and unpleasant task that left me feeling depleted and unsatisfied. To put it bluntly, it was a difficult and demotivating experience that I did not enjoy.

It was around this time that I began to seriously consider my future career prospects. I found myself entertaining the idea of quitting and seeking out management roles at different companies or even exploring opportunities in entirely different industries.

The Virtual Setting

The situation took a turn for the worse when the COVID-19 pandemic hit. As we transitioned to virtual one-on-one meetings, I quickly realized that the diverse personalities within my team made the transition very challenging.

While virtual communication can work in certain situations, connecting with others via computer is not always effective, especially for individuals on different ends of the personality spectrum. Without delving too deeply into the complexities of introversion and extroversion, I found that maintaining meaningful connections with my team members was becoming increasingly difficult.

Working in a virtual setting, I found it all too easy to disengage from the seemingly endless string of management meetings that sat on my calendar each week. Despite my best efforts to stay focused and engaged, I often found myself losing interest in the discussions and struggling to contribute meaningfully to the conversation.

Unfortunately, my disengagement was reflected in my body language, which only served to further exacerbate the situation. As everything was happening, I found myself increasingly questioning my purpose and place in this role. I was struggling with feelings of unfulfillment, exhaustion, and burnout.

Investing in Mental Health

Looking back, I am grateful for the work-from-home policy that our company implemented during the pandemic. It gave me the flexibility to prioritize my physical health and maintain a good work-life balance while still leading my team. I was in great shape during this time, but unfortunately, I suffered a lower back injury that set me on a unique journey. Although it was a difficult experience, I remain thankful for the lessons and growth that came from it. In fact, it’s a story that I believe deserves its own dedicated blog post.

Dealing with my injury was a challenge, but it also took me on a journey of self-reflection. It made me appreciate the importance of work-life balance and physical and mental health. With the support of my wife, I connected with a therapist, which turned out to be one of the best decisions I’ve made for myself.

As I recovered from my injury and contemplated my future, I struggled with the decision of quitting my job. I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed with the potential stress it could cause to my mental health. Nonetheless, I knew I needed to make a change for the sake of my overall health and happiness.

Financial Wellbeing

The thought of leaving my job and embarking on a job hunt in the midst of a pandemic was overwhelming, to say the least. As the sole breadwinner in my family, quitting would mean losing a six-figure salary and benefits, especially a generous paid time off policy. While I am grateful for the financial stability my job provided, waking up every morning counting down the hours until I could go home felt miserable.

As the pandemic continued, the value of financial independence became even more apparent. That said, the idea of quitting and staying unemployed during such uncertain times was a risky proposition. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing our health insurance, especially with two young boys to consider. So, for the time being, I put the idea of quitting on hold and committed to grinding it out in hopes of a brighter future.

While hope can be a powerful motivator, it’s not always enough to achieve the change we want. We may not be able to control every aspect of our lives, but we can take action to improve the things we can influence. Waiting passively for change to happen is unlikely to lead to any meaningful results. As the saying goes:

“We cannot change the cards we are dealt, but we can decide how to play the hand.”

Finding Joy and Support in Community

As mentioned before, quitting my job was not a feasible solution at the time, but I did begin to explore other options by testing the job market. With many individuals being furloughed or laid off, particularly within my industry, competition for new positions was fierce. Nevertheless, I remained open to the idea of switching to another industry if it meant finding a role that would better suit my skills and interests.

I reached out to a former colleague of mine who had made the switch to the tech industry. Our backgrounds were similar, and I knew she could be a valuable resource. We met for a drink and shared our thoughts and ideas. It was refreshing to talk to someone who understood my struggles.

I opened up to her about my difficulties and my contemplation of quitting, and she surprised me by sharing that she left her previous job for very similar reasons. She had also faced office politics, grappled with her ego, and felt pressure to follow a career path that others expected of her. She suggested that I work on my resume and connect with the job placement agency she used to land her current position.

Unfortunately, I did not take action and once again I decided to remain comfortable while being uncomfortable.

Attending the EconoME Conference

A few months later, my wife and I attended EconoME, and I have to say, it was a life-changing experience. We are actually going back in March 2023, and that speaks volumes about the quality and value we received. The main stage presentations were incredible, with top-notch speakers, and the breakout sessions were equally impressive.

However, what truly made the event special was the sense of community we felt. During one of the main stage presentations, I was exposed to an idea that had never crossed my mind before, and it opened my mind to a whole new way of thinking.

Rich Jones was a podcast host I had listened to, and I was excited to hear his talk at the conference. Here is a link to his presentation but you’re also welcome to hit play below.

In summary, here are my main takeaways:

• Mental health is real and we should prioritize investing in it.
• Seeking career growth solely to meet others’ expectations is a waste of time.
• We should challenge ourselves to be vulnerable and always reflect on our purpose.
• Seeking purpose is a valuable and worthwhile task.
• We don’t necessarily have to quit our jobs to move on from them.

These insights were valuable and have stayed with me since that conference.

Choosing Fulfillment over Ego

Fast forward to January 2022, and I was still dealing with the same old problems at work, managing people and trying to navigate office politics. But then, something unexpected happened. My boss invited me to chat about a new organizational structure and asked me:

“What do you want to do? “

“What fulfills you?”

This caught me completely off guard. I realized that I had been complaining about my situation without ever really considering what would make me happy. I took a few days to think about it and created a Venn diagram of what fulfillment meant to me.

When my boss came back to follow up, I showed her the diagram and told her that I didn’t need to be a manager to be fulfilled. I felt an immense sense of relief when I said those words out loud, and my boss was supportive. We talked about the team I would support and my reporting authorities. I was even more surprised to find out that I would be reporting to a peer I got along well with.

Of course, I had doubts about what people would say and how my family would perceive this change, but ultimately, I decided to put myself first. Now, six months into my new role, I can say that I am fulfilled. It’s not about being happy every day, but rather having a sense of purpose and meaning in my work. I no longer watch the clock, and time flies by most days. This change came at a time when I needed to take a hard look at myself and what I really wanted, and I’m so glad that I FINALLY did.

Final Thoughts

Will I go back to management? Who knows? I don’t have to think about that because I’m content with where I am. This experience feels like I left my job without actually leaving it. My story may or may not apply to you. For some of you, the right decision may indeed be to leave your job and company, and that’s perfectly fine. My advice is to prioritize yourself, reflect on your path, consider whether you are fulfilled, and not allow others or your ego to hinder changes that can bring joy and purpose to your life. Remember that self-discovery is a journey, and it’s never too late to start.

Until next time,

JJ